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Dating Q & As*

Group Dating
Q: Allison writes: "my whole life i have been looking forward to turning 16 and being able to date. i will be 16 in less than 2 months and now my mom is saying that i cant go on an actuall date like just me and hte guy untill im 18. she says that thats what the for the strenght of the youth book says. it says that when u being dating it should be in groups or double. but when it says being does that just mean like the first week of dating? or like the first 2 yaers. then also my seminary teacher was telling us about some gerneral authoriteis talk and how he said that a date must be paid for, planned ahead, and paired off. u cant be paired off if u r with a group. so technically that isnt a date. so when i am 16 i think i should be able to go to somewhere like the movie with just me and a guy. please tell me what u think.
A: For the Strength of Youth says, "When you begin dating, go in groups or on double dates. Avoid going on frequent dates with the same person." You are correct that the pamphlet doesn't give an exact age at which you can start "single dating".

You could try sitting down with your Mom and reading the dating page from "For the Strength of Youth" and tell your mom what you think it means. You could even agree to pray about it for a week or something and see how each of you feels. There are a few quotes about not steady dating until you are out of high school and ready to get married. Maybe that's what your Mom is concerned about. If so, you could agree to not date the same person all the time (like date someone else in between every time you go out with the guy you're crazy about).

But to start out with, it sounds like you should go on group dates. When you switch to single couple dates may depend on what kind of deal you and your mother can make.

What do you think? What would you tell Allison?(Question above.) Email us now!

Asking Someone Out
Q: Is it okay for girls to ask guys out?
A: You’d think by now, it would be fine—and it is in a lot of cases. However, most guys we asked said that while they love to be asked out by a girl, it does make them a little less interested in her. Who knows why! If you’re really interested in a guy, it’s a safe bet to just invite him to do things with you and your friends and then try to clue him in that you’re interested. Even the shyest guy can usually muster the courage to ask out someone he likes, so getting him interested in you is the main difficulty. If you can do that, you’ve got it made.

Q: How far in advance should I ask someone out?
A: It depends a lot on the type of date. Obviously, for big events, like Proms, people often ask several weeks in advance. However, for just a regular date, 2-8 days in advance keeps it nice and casual. If you’re just asking someone to hang out with you, that doesn’t need much advance notice—a day or less is most common.

Planning
Q: Do people prefer the typical movie date, or is that too boring?
A: People are split pretty evenly on this issue, with some thinking a movie is boring and others thinking it’s fun and low-stress (you don’t have to talk much!), so giving your date a choice might be the safest bet. Ask if they’d rather catch a movie, go dancing, or . . . [whatever]. Then let him/her decide. Of course, make the choices activities you’ll enjoy too.

Q: When I’m taking a date to dinner, how do I choose a restaurant?
A: Find restaurants in your price range (the general rule is that you should be able to afford anything on the menu—even the most expensive item, plus a dessert and appetizer), and then let your date choose. If the restaurant requires reservations, make sure you ask your date to choose in advance! And when you’re at the restaurant, mention to your date that he/she can order anything.

Q: How do I choose a movie for a date?
A: Broken record here, but give your date some choices of movies you want to see, and let him/her pick. Don't forget to refer to Standards for Youth for information about choosing movies.

The Date
Q: What should I talk about?
A: You could start out by asking questions to get to know your date better, or if you know the person pretty well, ask how their day was. That should get the ball rolling. Try not to talk about yourself TOO much, but do let your date get to know you. Some things to avoid (and they’re also good to avoid in life anyway):

Complaining
Criticizing people
Talking only about yourself
Making fun of or being sarcastic toward your date (or anyone)—even when you’re joking. You’d be surprised how many times people don’t realize you’re joking.

Music (what music does your date like, what music you like, concerts, etc.)

School (what classes your date has, which ones he/she likes, which ones you like, etc.)

Sports (does your date like rock climbing, football, what?)

Family (does your date have brothers or sisters, etc.)

Cool web sites (tell your date about some cool new site you’ve seen—like this one! jk)

Q: Should I open a girl’s car door?
A: This is a tough one, because some girls love to have the door opened for them, and others feel uncomfortable about it because they aren’t used to it. It’s probably best to always head toward her door, and if she beats you to it, so be it! Still head that way each time, just to be polite.

The End of the Date
Q: What do I do at the end of the date?
A: Well, first of all, be sure to say something nice, like "Thanks for coming—I had a great time," or whatever is comfortable for you. Note: If you didn’t have a good time, there’s probably still something nice you can say, or some disaster you can joke about. Okay, last of all, and what you’re probably really asking . . . what about kissing? First of all, no matter what everyone else says, locking lips with everyone you go out with is probably not a good idea, germs aside! But, if you really like this person and think a kiss is appropriate, WATCH for clues. Most people do try to give off clues to their date when they like them. If you haven’t gotten any clues that the person likes you, try a few more dates. At that point, go in for the kill, and see what happens! If your date backs away, apologize and be nice as can be. First of all, this is only right; second of all you may still have a chance in the future, so don’t ruin it! And, of course, if your date does kiss you back, that’s enough—don’t ruin the relationship by getting too physical (refer to the Standards of Youth pamphlet).

Q: How can you tell if your date likes you?
A: As mentioned above, most people DO give off clues; however, it’s common to get mixed signals, and most people aren’t going to come out and tell you how they feel. So, you can use the old stanby of asking the person’s friends who she/he is interested in, or you can keep asking the person out, and they’ll probably say "no" or always be busy if they aren’t interested. If the person keeps going out with you, that’s a good sign.

Saying "No" to someone
Q: What if someone asks me out and I really don’t want to go?
A: It’s probably better to just say "no" nicely right off the bat so the poor person doesn’t spend time, money, and emotional energy on a lost cause. However, there are also times when it’s best to at least go out once to give the person a chance. Many people have a rule that they’ll go out with someone once or twice--even if they aren’t interested--just to give the person a chance and to be nice. Of course, you wouldn’t want to go out with someone even once if their standards are so different from yours that you wouldn’t feel safe, etc. It’s good to have a general rule that you stick by (such as, "I’ll go out with most people at least once, even if I’m not interested," or "I’ll just say no right off if I’m not interested in someone"; that way, when the situation comes up, you’re prepared). This is one of those times where it’s great to be close to the Spirit, so if your normal "policy" isn’t right for the situation, the Spirit can tell you.

Q: What are some good ways to say "no" without hurting someone’s feelings?
A: This is always a tough one, but here are a few ideas:

"I think you are such a nice person, but to me we’re just friends, and I wouldn’t feel comfortable dating you."

"Thanks for asking, but I’m dating someone else right now." (According to the "For the Strength of the Youth" pamphlet, though, you shouldn’t be dating anyone exclusively until you’re ready to get married.)

"I really like you as a friend, but I don’t think we should date."

Do you have any other suggestions or questions? If so, email us.

*Our "Dating Gurus" have dated hundreds of people and, therefore, are well-versed in the fun AND not-so-fun aspects of dating. Ask them anything--it might just change your life!